selfishly fishy

So, I've never shyed away from being selfish. I love time to myself and retreating from the glare of the world. Hiding in my own shadow so to speak. But last night I did something I rarely ever do. I tried to be gratious. It seemed to cause a bad reaction.

Let me retrace my steps for a better comprehension of where I've travelled from.

Back in the day, my formative years if you will, my parents bought a condo in Colorado. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. We were truly upscale or rich or something owning a condo in a ski resort. Long story short, it was awful. It was a money pit and it took my parents nearly ten years not to sale the thing away but to just give it away with no compensation. I'm not sure how much money that sinkhole cost my parents, and I hope I never will. It caused them great anguish, financially. Add to that, my grand parents had all their saving in a bank that closed, without FDIC, in the late 80s. They had to sale the only house they'd lived in in Lincoln and downsized to a two-bedroom bungalow. That's probably all they needed, but their hopes and their pride seemed hurt by the scandal. They'd hoped to pass on more to their kids and ended up needing help from them.

These and other things led me to believe people are greedy. In a way that hurts people. I try to do things that don't benefit me, as a result. I try to do things that are not necessarily selfless, but not self-gaining. I've never wanted to be rich because I'd feel bad for the poor. I've never been one to take at another's expense. I've never been the first to take when others were in need. While that in no way helps in the long run, it's just the way I am. And yes, looking back at my comments, never is a strong word. I'm sure I've done plenty that would seem hypocritical. But not subconsciously... or wait... my psychology fails me.

Hmmm... I've been interupted so many times in this composition that I can't keep my scattered thoughts in line more or less than usual.

I think I was going to comment on why I don't strive. I don't want to be greedy, to have more than the have nots. I don't want to even feel better than anyone else. Some people would say I don't have goals or think I am crazy because I'm not trying to be better. I guess I don't feel the need to need more than what I have.

So, there I was. I thought I'd be friendly and do what I've seen and had other people do for me. I bought a round, a drink, for all my friends, a la le barfly. What I got in return was not a smiley gesture of appreciation. I had put upon a feeling of guilt on them. Like now they felt indebted to me. There were no happy faces. There were no good tidings. There were hectic offers of compensation or some sort of attempt at re-acquiring equilibrium. All I was trying to do was save some time, pay the tab and head out the door. Instead, I feel like I've tilted the balance of freedom and somehow my friends feel less free. I've tipped the scale and now there's something. A pay back weight sitting on the scale. A thing I didn't intend to place, but they sense it's there. This is why I rarely give compliments, give favors or do good deeds. I don't care about the return, but some people feel their lives are not even until the field is even. I just don't understand interactions sometimes because I care not for what some do.

Well, I've lost the train, it's off the tracks. The conductor has quit and I have no one to get my message to the station. I will stop for now and continue on with other inklings at a later date.